It’s thought that pain can be fixed. Pain can be turned into triumph. I used to be obsessed with turning my trauma into post traumatic growth. And now I’ve realized the raw, deep, pure essence of the pain from the trauma will never go away.
I am now in a perfectly healthy, perfectly happy relationship. Where I can grow and be supported and most importantly, be safe.
But it’s still there. So let’s talk. What about pain that’s just pain. And it’s always going to be pain. It’s best put into a category called grief. Let’s talk about this a little more, because we all have it. And yet, none of us know how to deal with it. In a culture where we have a constant need to fix, when we need to listen.
And so I write. I wrote at the beginning. And I wrote at the end. And I still write. It feels appropriate after the #letstalk conversation that I put this out into the world.
The last 2 years I haven’t stopped writing. When I cry, when I rage, when I’m numb, when I’m strong, when I’m weak. I write.
I write about loving, hating, living, and leaving someone with mental illness.
I intend to publish all this writing into a book. So here’s this coming to fruition in the next few years. Stay tuned!
Below is a sneak peek:
I shouldn’t feel this way anymore
Stupidly remembering the lies I thought you were
That perfect person for me
The carefully constructed soulmate who never was
I hate that these thoughts, however fleeting as time passes, re-enter my state of being
The blood inside my heart boils
A torrent; raging river unleashing it’s fury onto the words that splash this page
Etched so deep
Asking if I could have done more and it would be different
Just to prove to myself
That I could have been wrong
Even though it was right
I am all right
It will be alright
Just because it’s for the better
Doesn’t make it any better
I try to shut it out
But the sadness won’t go away
Creeping in, the ever present Aleutian Low
Ready to precipitate
Down my face
Until I can’t remember
The blues of his eyes
Forever blurred into the ocean
Made from all the ways he made me feel
And the life that could never be