Pain.


It’s thought that pain can be fixed. Pain can be turned into triumph. I used to be obsessed with turning my trauma into post traumatic growth. And now I’ve realized the raw, deep, pure essence of the pain from the trauma will never go away. 
I am now in a perfectly healthy, perfectly happy relationship. Where I can grow and be supported and most importantly, be safe. 
But it’s still there. So let’s talk. What about pain that’s just pain. And it’s always going to be pain. It’s best put into a category called grief. Let’s talk about this a little more, because we all have it. And yet, none of us know how to deal with it. In a culture where we have a constant need to fix, when we need to listen. 

And so I write. I wrote at the beginning. And I wrote at the end. And I still write. It feels appropriate after the #letstalk conversation that I put this out into the world. 

The last 2 years I haven’t stopped writing. When I cry, when I rage, when I’m numb, when I’m strong, when I’m weak. I write. 

I write about loving, hating, living, and leaving someone with mental illness. 

I intend to publish all this writing into a book. So here’s this coming to fruition in the next few years. Stay tuned! 
Below is a sneak peek:

I shouldn’t feel this way anymore 
Stupidly remembering the lies I thought you were
That perfect person for me
The carefully constructed soulmate who never was 
I hate that these thoughts, however fleeting as time passes, re-enter my state of being 
The blood inside my heart boils 
A torrent; raging river unleashing it’s fury onto the words that splash this page 
Etched so deep
Too deep
Asking if I could have done more and it would be different 
Wondering non-necessities  
Just to prove to myself 
That I could have been wrong
Even though it was right 
I am all right 
It will be alright 
Will it? 
Can it? 
Should it? 

Just because it’s for the better 
Doesn’t make it any better 
I try to shut it out
But the sadness won’t go away
Creeping in, the ever present Aleutian Low
Ready to precipitate
Down my face 
Until I can’t remember 
The blues of his eyes 
Forever blurred into the ocean 
Made from all the ways he made me feel
And the life that could never be

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s