10 months later…

It’s like our souls are intertwined; a never ending web of love-though the minds chose otherwise. With time passed, the mind forgets, but the heart never does. Our feelings etched into each other like a tattoo, permanently reminding us of our inevitable fate. Yet life has chosen otherwise for us. Or has it? Perhaps life is giving us exactly what we needed-to pursue our own personal paths, to rid ourselves of the minds’ poison that was created through tests of god, events we could not control. This is how we must pay, to be able to be together once more. Only when we are truly happy again, in the mind and soul, can we reattach; can we restitch ourselves back together like an old, cherished pair of pants, made and worn with love. Only then is the time right. But in the meantime resides an inner terror in my soul, for what if you find another? What if you love her more, and we are forever gone? Lost into the abyss of broken promises, faded dreams, forgotten feelings.

I go about my life. I am happy. I relish in the present and what this beautiful earth has to offer. But when I let myself, I know inside that something is missing. For I cannot feel. I cannot love. I cannot look at another the way I look at you. You. You are the only time I can feel. Logically I feel exposed, silly, embarrassed. Ten months has passed, I am surrounded by voices that insist this should be long gone. So I hide it. I tuck it away in my soul, never allowing myself to feel, because the only way is through you.

22 months later…

I started writing this just as the exact 22 month anniversary ended, to the exact day. It’s time. I am free. The confines of all life I am no longer bound to. Still, after all this there is one thing I still take with me everywhere…one thing I am always bound to. It’s you. No matter where I go. No matter who I’m with, or attempt to be with. Retrospect. The more I think the more I realize. Everything else fades away. Some feeble attempt to convince my soul that I could love another. False. Trickery does not bode well for the heart. Or the soul.

Now I yearn to know. Yet I am patient. I have learned patience. I fight with reason and desire on either shoulder. A constant battle of the mind and soul. I picture your face, and your thoughts. I cannot remember how it is to be truly held anymore. To be appreciated and loved and respected. But that’s not what I look for. Commitment. A relationship. It scares me. I don’t want it because I am happy. But with you, I would be happiest. I know what you feel. I know going about it is complicated. Irrational. Crazy. Why risk damaging a perfectly happy life?

Because we both know it can be better.

The promises were broken. But the dreams have not faded and the feelings never forgotten. All has been forgiven. Only after diving into the deepest depths of hell and facing the truth can new seeds be planted, sprouted from the tears of what once was. Reborn. Anew. Revitalized. Twenty-two months have passed and I no longer feel exposed, silly, or embarrassed. I feel empowered. I know what I want.

You are my home.