Yesterday I got a notification on my phone. The message beeped and in almost utter disbelief I saw the words “official end of Saturn return”.
There it was. Over. Done. But, was it really?
Now, when I say the official end of my Saturn return, you are probably wondering what exactly that all means. Fair enough. My explanation comes from the roots of astrology, so whether or not you believe it to be true have an open mind while I explain all of this. Every 28-29 years Saturn will return to the original position it was in at the exact time of your birth. So wherever Saturn was in the Earth’s sky, and also its positioning in our Universe, will re-enter that same space during this time. Astronomically speaking, we know that the Earth takes 365 days to make one full revolution around the Sun, our solar return or birthday. Saturn, on the other hand, has an orbital period of 29 years around the Sun. So this is essentially what we are referring to, but in an energetic sense. Saturn as a planet, is big and bold of full of lots of cosmic and gravitational energy, in a scientific sense. When applied a little further, there are energies that Saturn has influence on, that will also influence you as a person, when you were born but also every single day you are on this Earth. So, as Saturn approaches that same position there are certain energies and pulls that you will not have felt before.
Saturn is ruled by the sign of Capricorn, and the main themes are around work, responsibility and your higher self. When you enter your first Saturn return around age 28, everything you have had going on in your life will be brought forth. The return asks you to re-evaluate your life and everything you have learned, experienced, believed, and loved. It asks you to discard anything that is not truly in alignment with who YOU are, regardless of everything and everyone else going on around you. Often destructive, usually painful, definitely transformative. It is the true coming of age into adulthood. We have, up to, three returns during a human lifetime. Assuming you live long enough, the second will occur around the age of 60, and the last around age 90…as it is recurring every 28-30 years. Below is the culmination of my own, first Saturn return.
My transformation began a little earlier than expected (age 26), and has definitely lasted longer (I foresee it all going to about age 31). This is mostly due to the enhanced energy collectively in Capricorn right now. It began with what I thought was the jackpot. Finding my soulmate, falling in love, getting engaged. It all happening so fast and yet so perfectly. It feels surreal writing about this now, remembering those moments that seem such a distant fairytale of a memory. And then shit got real, the lies, the manipulation, the abuse. Swept up so fast I couldn’t even see the colours swirling around me. Then all of a sudden I was a shell of my former self, grasping to hang on, for anything but dear life. The process of healing and rebuilding began while I started graduate school in an attempt to not entirely fall apart and leave my life in my own apparent ruins. The process of healing my body has been long, arduous, and has ultimately allowed me to realize I never fully loved it before. Looking back at so many of my emotional patterns, I have been able to see the lesson in healing all of it…even though it was through such a painful experience. Isn’t it always that the most painful are the most transformative? Unfortunately I am a product of that one too, all thanks to Saturn.
With emerging appreciation for my body, mind and soul, I embarked on a new theme: boundaries. This one is ever growing, evolving, and changing. Upon this learning, I came to realize how my lack of them prior to that winter had allowed so many unhealthy relationships into my life. One by one, I walked away from most of the people I considered close in my life. Whomever I hadn’t already felt betrayed by during their lack of concern or ability to support me during my tumultuous teetering on the edge of love and loss, eventually faded out of sight through this new idea. It was messy, often involved arguments and nasty text messages. But with healthier support and my own newfound inner emotional courage, I said no. And then I said no some more. And it felt good, damn it felt so good.
So, then came the next hurdle to tackle. After ending a relationship months prior that was healing, but also not aligned, I had dove into confronting my own demons and inner child work. Once I had cleared out all the other unhealthy relationships in my life and established some boundaries, I was ready for the next challenge: dating. It was during this time I overcame my fears of men, was able to put my new communicating skills to the test, and once again, say no!I stumbled upon someone, and here we are today. But that wasn’t the end of the growing.
Next up was my home, the place I had considered my forever home. I had worked so hard to find this place, it was everything I had ever dreamed of. It was such a special place to me, and it had been so important that I return there. I had done so much work around returning to that area and making it a safe place for me, after all the horrible experiences I had gone through there. I had done my best to rewrite the memories, and now was the time to return. And return I did, just as I had planned. However, Saturn decided it had other plans for me. Within a few months, some hard conversations, and many tears, deep within my gut I knew it was time to go. The place I had once shared so many beautiful experiences, was not meant to be my forever home. I realized that a different person had come here, with different priorities, and a way different sense of who she was. In that time I had formed unhealthy relationships, and my lack of boundaries had cost me many times before. Being confronted with this, I took a hard look at the people around me, realizing that many of those were now strangers.
Then, came my career. After years of blood, sweat and tears (literally) I had landed a more secure, management role. This is what I had ideally (I think?) been looking for. The more I sunk into it, the more exciting it seemed. Until one day, it wasn’t (cue post on Retirement). The crashing down of ideologies, perceptions, expectations that were not my own had to go.
And so, here I am, after having made the leap of leaving all of my old life behind. I am 29 years young and am working damn hard to create the life of my dreams. If I could simultaneously slap and hug Saturn at the same time, I would. As Rory Miller would say, it is all a part of the “the tragic, exhilerating, and ultimately universe-altering path of self discovery”.
What a privilege. What a ride.