full circle: a journey of divergence

So, here I am. Really trying to understand the weirdness of this all, but knowing that for whatever reason I am not meant to. At least not right now. It has made me question a lot of modalities and methods I have used, because even in them there are no answers to be found.

I find myself writing this, in such a similar state to 2019, it is uncanny. So many parallels have been slowly revealing themselves this winter. So much so, that the state of my life is in many ways nearly identical to that of 2019. Similar themes, avenues, opportunities. I have picked up many pieces of the life I left that year, recommencing them once again. I was in such a state of desperation at the beginning of 2023 it really forced me to give zero fucks and do exactly what had to be done without a second thought. Now here I am with all the balls having been in motion and doing their work over the winter months. I spent a brief period during that time regretting the decisions I closed 2019 with, and the divergence I made. At the time it felt completely necessary. I guess it was in many ways. Hindsight is always 20-20. Who knows if those choices would have fared better or if I somehow would have ended up in a similar place anyways.

2019. At the time I was in the dubious Saturn return, a characteristic coming of age. From my teachings and learnings in astrology, this current re-circling effect does not match up with a Saturn return. Mine finished in 2020, and you’d think then that I was off on the path meant to be my own. However, it has appeared not so. I have basically gone back and circled around to where I was before Saturn brought influence down unto my life. So basically, to me, none of this makes any logical sense. It is what it is, and I am fully accepting and leaning into what this new life will offer me.

Its just weird is all. It feels as though my Saturn return, and the extension of that through his time in Aquarius, has simply been a quick diversion from the main path. The diversion was always meant to circle back around and come back to the main path. Its like a side option you get on a trail to go to a viewpoint, that then takes you back to the trail. That’s how its felt. What view was I looking at? Well, it appears many of the things I found myself wanting over the last 4 years through various time periods. Even experiencing most of them viscerally, only to find much pain, suffering and difficulty there.

I have never heard of any else’s Saturn return taking such a weird approach. Although it wouldn’t be unbeknownst to me that mine is so entirely unique. Because that tends to be the way I do things anyways. Still. What was the point? What has it brought me? Honestly, not much more than a heck of a lot of grief, failure, suffering, pain, loss. I’m not upset about it. But I am confused about it. Because, as I’ve said, I just don’t see the point of it all. Maybe some things aren’t meant to, but what a waste of 4 years, it seems like.

If anything, maybe if I’d smartened up at the end of my Saturn return in 2020 I might have avoided the last few years. But then the world got real fucking weird. I felt pretty trapped in being able to pursue those things and it had actually further pushed me towards the aspirations I thought were meant for me.

I have noticed more and more as 2023 continues how nostalgic I have been feeling. Remembering periods of my earlier years. Finding myself wanting similar things, similar experiences. Feels almost like an out of body experience, being the age I am now. I have been drawn back to places and times from years ago. Its been a cool and odd time. In some ways I feel again like my life is just beginning, even though I have really lived such a full and incredible life since my onset of adulthood at age 18. Its mind blowing to think of what I have done. I almost feel a similar push as I did then, to do so much, the need to cram more in. My sense of adventure and exploration feels stronger than ever.

I am mostly trying to keep it at a manageable level right now so I don’t just disappear with reckless abandon. Sometimes finding myself wishing I was 23 again, though I have the foresight of reality. I know that many of the situations or the years I long for, were also filled with longing. So perhaps as a Pisces that is just part of my process anyways. It will always be there in some capacity.

So now, here I am. I went off for awhile and sat at the lookout. Got a view of many other lives I could, should, would live in other times. Many experiences with that were not pleasant. I guess it took a lot of unpleasantness to finally get my ass off of that bench and walking back around to the main trail again. Where I find myself. I picture it as one of my favourite trails where I used to live. Where I often long for, with the ocean and rainforest and mountains…all the things that make my heart sing. So I picture the sweeping Sitka spruce and moody shore pines my eyes raise their gaze to. The shades of green making my heart chakra explode with love, desire, purpose, inspiration. All of the pieces that are so innately human. That are so innately me.